Biological warfare. Mass infusion of paranoia. Increase in tolerance or its complete loss. Fear. Yes, I think that is the best word that describes all this – fear. We are currently afraid to show any signs of attention and love. And precisely because of care and love. I do not understand. How we managed to replace a hug with a phone call so easily. I really need it now. Or a glance with emoticons. A touch with messages. Gross.
But alright. I understand. That is the situation. It is the time of a pandemic and we are isolated. We avoid contact with each other. We do not see each other. We do not go out. We do not have vents. There are no festivals. There are no concerts, gigs, theaters. In short, there is nothing. There are no hours of drinking coffee next to important or unimportant people, with whom you went for one drink, and still ended up with a few alcoholic drinks. In the aisles or in the squares. Ah, those gatherings. How I would like to go to a party now and meet new people. New looks, new faces. Maybe one of them will become my friend. My partner. My enemy. I don’t know, I certainly don’t respond to messages coming from strangers. I do not even feel like responding to the ones that come from my closest ones. What are they doing right now? What are they thinking about? How do they spend their time? It seems to me that my room is getting smaller day by day. My walls are narrowing, and I am terribly annoyed by the news volumed up enormously, coming from my parents’ room. Mom is arguing with the TV. And she should.
I have an idea. I’ll plan every day. Here, I started hitting my heels next to every movie or series that has been waiting to be watched for an eternity. At least now I have time for that. As if. Maybe I can start learning a language. French. I always wanted to know French. I don’t know. Duolingo is great for that. Everyone uses it. Or maybe I could have fun with my body. There are a million tutorials and applications for it. It seems to me that there are apps for everything now. Ha-ha. I could also draw, I like to draw. It is not a bad idea to finish the book I started a month ago, and I can’t finish it at all.
Well, maybe this isolation is not such a bad thing. Isolation is a gift, says Bukowski. I never agreed with that, maybe I will start now. Maybe my work habits are developing. Maybe I’ll start going to bed on time. Maybe I’ll stop waking up at two in the afternoon because I stayed up late last night in town. Maybe. Forget it… As much as the situation changed globally, I stayed again late because I had to watch another episode of the series. Some things never change. No, I will create work habits. Now I have plenty of time for myself and for the obligations that await me. I have a lecture tomorrow. Online. Realistically, I can just turn it on, turn off the camera, and keep sleeping. No, I can’t do it. That is very irresponsible. Absurd. Now is the moment when we all must be responsible, so they throw it at us every day and say, for God’s sake. But those who tell us that and introduce these preventive restrictive measures in every segment of life, are the ones who behave the most arrogantly and irresponsibly. No wonder my mom quarrels with them every day. I started, too.
Now I follow the news, too. That’s new. They always tired me, not to mention, they did not interest me. Somehow, I feel a responsibility to keep being informed. They say that the percentage of infected people is growing every day, the number of deaths is increasing. I did not take it so seriously until my mom’s close friend died. From coronavirus, they say. Terrible. It hit her hard. Now I have a guilty conscience for telling her off a million times, for being against my need to get out of the house. It’s so selfish of me. It is also selfish that the death of a human hit me only when it was someone from my direct environment. What is the moment when things stop getting to us? When do we stop empathizing, worrying? That’s it. I accept my role in this whole situation and I don’t want to make it more difficult. It is temporary. Everything stopped anyway and will pass. But its consequences scare me. I am also scared by the fact that my sister, who is supposed to go to school, will not have contact with other children. She will not know how to deal with those few who would make fun of her, mock her, maybe even pull her hair. Kids know how to be awful. And I also think that she will never be able to separate herself from that damn phone that I did not even have at her age. What if mass apathy develops and we all start circulating like robots? What if they replace us with robots? What if this suffocates every urge that a person awakens in themselves? What happens when people stop thinking and start blindly believing all the contradictions they hear every day? But again, what if someone close to me gets infected? My walls are narrowing again. I’m being paranoid. I need to stop because I already notice that I radiate horribly repulsive and negative energy. There is always a silver lining. I talked to my friend, she and her family had the virus, everything is fine. I still do not understand how it manifests and why it exists.
I watched the series, it’s really good. I will definitely recommend it to others. The lecture went very well, too. As an immediate solution, it provides good opportunities, but I still want it to return to normal as soon as possible. It annoys me when my internet goes out, and then I have to chase people and question them about what the professor said. But I must admit that in a way I like being able to follow it in my pajamas. I think it’s been a week since I’ve been wearing it.
They said that from next week some faculties will open again, mine is one of them. They say that schools will also start working. Okay, my sister will not become a robot. Mom is still arguing with the TV. I am, too. It seems to me that everyone has gone mad en masse. Maybe I did, too.? I’m finishing the book. It is called “Biological Warfare.”